When people think of adoption, the image that often comes to mind is of tiny babies or toddlers. But what many do not realise is that there are many older children, from school-aged kids to teenagers, who are looking for stable, loving homes. Adopting an older child can be an incredibly rewarding experience, but it also comes with its own unique set of challenges. If you are considering adopting an older child, here is what you need to know to help you make the right choice and prepare for the journey ahead.
The benefits of adopting older children
While adopting older children has its complexities, the rewards are just as significant:
A clear sense of who they are: Older children have already begun to develop their personalities, interests, and quirks, offering you a clearer picture of who they are. You are not starting with a complete unknown, as you might with a baby, and this can help you connect more easily and understand their needs.
Ready for school and independence: Older children are often already in school, which means they are used to routines, social settings, and structure. Many also have basic independence skills, like feeding, dressing, and sometimes even preparing simple meals. This makes day-to-day life a little easier for parents and gives you more opportunities to bond over shared activities rather than focusing solely on caregiving.
Shared interests make bonding easier: Whether they are passionate about football, obsessed with gaming, or love painting, older children already have interests that can become a starting point for connection. These shared hobbies and activities help build a foundation of trust and create moments of joy and understanding.
Building on existing strengths: Older children often bring with them a unique set of strengths and skills. They might have a knack for problem-solving, show remarkable resilience, or even demonstrate leadership qualities that surprise and inspire you.
The challenges of adopting older children
It is important to approach older child adoption with realistic expectations. Challenges can arise, but preparation and understanding can help you navigate them.
Emotional and behavioural complexities: Older children in care often have a history of trauma, neglect, or instability. These experiences can manifest as emotional difficulties or behavioural challenges that require patience, empathy, and sometimes professional intervention. Understanding the root of their struggles is key to helping them heal and grow.
Trust and attachment take time: Forming a strong bond with an older child can be more gradual, particularly if they have experienced disrupted attachments or moved between foster placements. Trust-building requires consistency, reassurance, and an understanding that they might initially resist affection or discipline as a defence mechanism.
Identity and social awareness: As children grow older, they naturally start to explore their identity. For adopted children, this exploration can be layered with questions about their birth family, heritage, and past experiences. Adolescents, in particular, may struggle with feelings of loss, confusion, or anger, which can be challenging to address but are a natural part of their journey.
How to prepare for adopting an older child
Preparation is essential to make the adoption experience successful for both you and the child. Here are some steps to consider:
Educate yourself and attend targeted training
Adopting an older child requires more than general parenting skills - it demands an understanding of trauma, attachment, and the impact of instability on a child’s development. Here's how to deepen your knowledge:
Attend all required training: In the UK, pre-adoption training courses cover topics like attachment theory, managing difficult behaviours, and building trust. Take detailed notes and participate in discussions to understand what real-life scenarios might look like.
Expand your learning: Look for resources that go beyond the basics. Books like The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis or Parenting a Child Who Has Experienced Trauma by Dan Hughes provide actionable strategies. Podcasts like Adoption Conversations can give you insights from real families.
Role-play challenging scenarios: Work with professionals or attend workshops where you can practice responding to potential behaviours, like managing outbursts or navigating sensitive conversations about the child’s past.
Create a robust support network
Connect with experienced adoptive families: Seek out local or virtual groups for families who have adopted older children. They can provide honest insights, practical tips, and reassurance during tough times.
Identify professionals: Work with therapists, counsellors, or educators who specialize in adoption and trauma. They can help address behavioural issues, provide strategies for bonding, and guide you through setbacks.
Establish childcare backup: Trusted friends or relatives who understand your child’s unique needs can be invaluable. Share your child’s routines, triggers, and calming techniques with them to ensure consistency.
Prepare your home with intentionality
A welcoming environment goes beyond a tidy bedroom—it’s about creating a sense of safety and belonging.
Involve the child early: If possible, let them contribute to decisions about their space. Even small choices, like picking bedding or posters, give them a sense of control.
Add visual aids for routines: Use charts, calendars, or visual schedules to help them understand their day-to-day life and ease any anxiety about new routines.
Create sensory-friendly spaces: Include calming areas with soft lighting, weighted blankets, or noise-cancelling headphones to help them self-regulate if they feel overwhelmed.
Prepare for their belongings: Older children may come with treasured items, even if they seem insignificant to you. Make space for these things to show that their history matters.
Build realistic expectations through planning
Every adoption journey is unique, and it’s important to approach it with flexible but realistic goals.
Set short- and long-term goals: Work with your social worker to outline what success looks like in the first three months, six months, and year. Goals could include building trust, improving school performance, or addressing specific behaviours.
Prepare for mixed emotions: Your child may not immediately feel gratitude or happiness about being adopted. Instead, they might express anger, sadness, or confusion. Accept these emotions as valid and part of their healing process.
Learn de-escalation techniques: Prepare for challenging moments by understanding how to defuse anger, frustration, or fear without escalating the situation.
Relationships and routines take time to build. Celebrate the small wins, like your first successful family outing or a shared laugh at the dinner table. Acknowledge setbacks as part of the process and seek professional guidance if needed.
Understand and honour their story
Your child’s past is a vital part of who they are, and acknowledging it can build trust and connection.
Be open to difficult conversations: Expect questions about their birth family or why they were placed in care. Offer honest, age-appropriate answers without badmouthing their past caregivers.
Create a lifebook together: Work with the child to document their journey. Include photos, letters, or mementos that help them connect with their story in a safe and positive way.
Find cultural connections: If your child’s background differs from yours, make an effort to incorporate their heritage into family traditions. This might include celebrating certain holidays or preparing traditional meals.
Plan for school transitions
Older children may face challenges adjusting to a new school environment, so be proactive:
Inform the school: Share relevant information about your child’s history, triggers, and strengths with their teachers. This allows educators to provide tailored support.
Request assessments if needed: If your child struggles academically, request an evaluation for additional support, such as speech therapy, tutoring, or emotional support plans.
Stay involved: Attend parent-teacher meetings regularly to ensure your child’s progress is monitored, and celebrate their achievements to boost their confidence.
Inspiring real-life example
Take, for instance, the story of 11-year-old Mia, who had been in the care system for five years. When she joined her adoptive family, she struggled with trust and found it hard to adjust to new routines. Her adoptive parents, however, focused on her love of animals. They enrolled her in horseback riding lessons, which became a turning point. The shared passion created a bond, and over time, Mia’s confidence grew as did her attachment to her new family. Stories like Mia’s remind us of the resilience of children and the profound impact of a nurturing home.
Adopting an older child is not just about offering them a home; it is about providing stability, love, and the chance to build a future together. The journey will have its share of challenges, but the rewards - watching them thrive, connecting through shared experiences, and witnessing their growth - are unparalleled. With preparation, patience, and an open heart, you can help an older child find the family they have been waiting for while enriching your own life in ways you may never have imagined.
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