Adopting a child with a challenging past brings a unique set of emotions, requiring more than love and excitement - it demands a deep understanding of trauma. For children who have faced neglect, abuse, or constant upheaval in foster care, trauma often lingers, shaping their ability to trust, connect, and regulate emotions. This is a reality many adoptive parents may face, but the good news is, with patience, specific strategies, and support, you can help your child heal.
At Walk Together, we know how overwhelming this journey can be. That’s why we’ve put together practical steps to guide you in creating an environment that fosters safety, trust, and emotional growth for your child. Remember, this is a shared journey - you are not alone.
Understanding trauma: it’s more than just difficult beginnings
To help your child heal, it’s crucial to first recognise how deeply trauma can run. Early trauma, especially during the formative years, can change how a child sees and interacts with the world. Children who have been exposed to unsafe or neglectful environments often develop survival mechanisms. These mechanisms may look like withdrawal, aggressive outbursts, hyper-vigilance, or even an emotional shut-down.
For instance, your child might react with intense anxiety to seemingly small changes, or they might seem emotionally distant, resisting your attempts to connect. Others might display high levels of defiance or anger, even in situations that feel calm or non-threatening. These reactions are not a rejection of you as a parent but rather the child’s way of navigating a world they’ve learned to mistrust.
Understanding attachment styles: why some children struggle to bond
Attachment is a complex process, and children who have experienced trauma may struggle to form healthy attachments with their new family. You may notice that your child avoids close contact, pushes you away, or, conversely, clings excessively.
These behaviours are often linked to insecure attachment styles. A child with an avoidant attachment might resist emotional closeness, appearing emotionally distant. On the other hand, a child with an anxious attachment may be overly needy, constantly seeking reassurance yet never truly feeling safe.
Learning about these attachment styles can help you tailor your approach to meeting your child’s needs. If your child is avoidant, give them space to approach you on their terms while gently reinforcing your availability and support. For those who cling, offer consistent reassurance and let them know you aren’t going anywhere, even when their behaviours challenge you.
Understanding attachment styles: why some children struggle to bond
Attachment is a complex process, and children who have experienced trauma may struggle to form healthy attachments with their new family. This struggle can manifest in different attachment styles, often influenced by early experiences of neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving. You may notice that your child avoids close contact, pushes you away, or, conversely, clings excessively and displays an intense fear of abandonment.
These behaviours are often linked to insecure attachment styles:
Avoidant attachment
A child with an avoidant attachment style may appear emotionally distant, resisting emotional closeness or physical affection. This typically stems from early experiences where the child's needs were consistently unmet, teaching them that relying on others isn’t safe. They might avoid eye contact, shy away from hugs, or become extremely independent at a young age. On the surface, they might seem disengaged or even indifferent to their caregivers’ affection, but underneath, they may be deeply afraid of rejection.
Anxious attachment
On the other hand, a child with an anxious attachment style might display clinginess or intense fear of separation. This type of attachment can develop when a child's early caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes available, sometimes absent—leading the child to become hyper-focused on securing attention and reassurance. These children might constantly seek comfort but never feel truly safe or reassured, making them appear overly dependent or emotionally volatile. Even small separations, like leaving the room, can trigger intense distress.
Disorganized attachment
This is often the result of more severe trauma, such as chronic abuse or neglect. Children with disorganized attachment may display a confusing mix of behaviours, oscillating between seeking comfort and pushing caregivers away. These children often don’t know how to cope with their emotions or relationships because their early caregivers were both a source of fear and comfort. As a result, their behaviour can seem erratic or unpredictable, and they may struggle with trust and control in relationships.
Learning about these attachment styles can help you tailor your approach to meet your child’s needs. For avoidant children, offer them space while consistently reinforcing that you are there when they are ready for connection. Avoid overwhelming them with physical affection, but let them know that you are emotionally available. For anxious children, offer frequent reassurance and let them know you won’t leave them, even when their behaviours feel overly demanding. In disorganized attachment cases, working closely with a trauma-informed therapist is often essential, as these children may need more structured support to feel safe and begin healing.
By understanding the specific attachment style your child exhibits, you can better support their emotional needs, helping them slowly build the trust and security they need to form healthy attachments.
Building trust through routine and consistency
One of the most effective ways to help your adopted child heal is by establishing predictability in their life. Many adopted children, particularly those from chaotic or unstable environments, haven’t experienced the safety that comes with routine. Implementing consistent daily habits - a regular mealtime, bedtime, or even a morning hug—helps them feel secure.
Take, for example, the simple act of sitting down for dinner together at the same time every evening. This might seem insignificant, but for a child who never knew where their next meal would come from, this stability becomes a building block of trust. It’s about showing, through actions, that they can rely on you.
However, it’s important to remain flexible. Trauma healing is not linear, and your child might take longer to adjust to routines than expected. You may face setbacks, but these are part of the process. It’s during these moments that your patience and perseverance will make a huge difference.
Supporting emotional expression: giving them the tools to heal
Children who have experienced trauma often struggle to express their emotions. They might not have developed the emotional language to communicate how they’re feeling, or they may have learned to suppress their feelings out of fear.
Creating an emotionally open environment is key. Start by modelling emotional expression yourself. Share how you’re feeling in everyday situations - “I’m feeling a bit frustrated today, but I’m going to take a deep breath and feel better soon.” By naming and discussing emotions, you show your child that it’s okay to feel vulnerable.
Play can also be a powerful tool for emotional expression. Play therapy, art, music, and storytelling are wonderful ways for children to process their feelings non-verbally. For instance, drawing or acting out stories can help a child communicate what they may not yet be able to say aloud. If your child seems drawn to one form of play, encourage them to explore it.
Seeking professional support: you don’t have to do it alone
As an adoptive parent, you may feel pressure to be everything your child needs. However, the healing process often requires the support of professionals. Trauma-informed therapists can help your child process their experiences in a structured and safe way, while also providing you with guidance on how to respond to their unique needs.
Therapy isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a valuable resource. A therapist can equip both you and your child with coping strategies that are rooted in expertise and experience. It’s also a space for you to reflect on your own journey, which can be equally important in supporting your child’s healing process.
Exploring therapeutic options: what works best for trauma recovery
When it comes to helping adopted children heal from trauma, different types of therapies can play a critical role. Trauma often lodges deep within the body and mind, and it can affect how a child sees themselves, their family, and the world around them. That’s why trauma-informed therapeutic approaches are designed to address these complex layers of emotional and psychological distress. Here are some of the most effective therapies for trauma recovery:
Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT)
Best for: Children who have experienced abuse, neglect, or multiple disruptions in care.
What it involves: TF-CBT is one of the most widely used and effective treatments for children who have experienced trauma. It helps children understand and manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviours in response to their past experiences.
Why it works: TF-CBT addresses both the emotional and cognitive impacts of trauma, helping children process their experiences while teaching them practical coping skills.
Play therapy
Best for: Younger children or children who have difficulty verbalizing their emotions.
What it involves: Play therapy provides a safe and controlled space where children can express their emotions through play.
Why it works: Play therapy offers a non-verbal outlet for processing emotions, especially for children who may not have the language to explain their trauma.
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
Best for: Children who are experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms.
What it involves: EMDR helps children process traumatic memories while engaging in bilateral stimulation, such as following the therapist's finger movements.
Why it works: EMDR helps the brain reprocess stuck traumatic memories, reducing the emotional intensity of the event and helping children move forward.
Dyadic developmental psychotherapy (DDP)
Best for: Adopted children struggling to form healthy attachments with their parents.
What it involves: DDP focuses on creating an emotionally safe environment for the child to build a secure attachment with their caregivers.
Why it works: DDP helps repair attachment disruptions by fostering a space where trust can be rebuilt between the child and the parents.
Sensorimotor psychotherapy
Best for: Children who experience trauma-related physical symptoms, such as body tension or sleep disturbances.
What it involves: This therapy helps children become aware of how their body responds to trauma and teaches them grounding and relaxation techniques.
Why it works: Sensorimotor psychotherapy addresses the physical manifestations of trauma, helping children feel more comfortable in their bodies.
Art therapy
Best for: Children who respond well to creative outlets and may find verbal communication difficult.
What it involves: Art therapy uses creativity to help children process their trauma in a non-verbal way.
Why it works: For children who struggle to express their emotions verbally, art therapy offers an alternative form of emotional expression.
Narrative therapy
Best for: Older children or teenagers who need help re-framing their story in a way that empowers them.
What it involves: Narrative therapy helps children and teens externalize their trauma by viewing it as separate from their identity.
Why it works: It empowers children to re-author their life stories, reinforcing that their trauma does not define them.
Patience: the key to long-term healing
Trauma recovery is not a quick or straightforward process. There will be setbacks, moments when it feels like progress has stalled, and times when the behaviours resurface. It’s during these moments that your patience will be most tested.
Celebrate the small wins—whether it’s the first time your child comes to you for comfort or a day without a meltdown. These seemingly tiny steps are monumental in the context of trauma healing. Over time, they’ll accumulate into a deep and lasting trust.
Final thoughts: a journey taken together
Helping your adopted child heal from trauma is not easy, but it’s one of the most meaningful journeys you’ll take together. Each day brings its own challenges, but it also brings opportunities for growth, connection, and trust.
Remember, healing doesn’t happen in isolation. At Walk Together, we’re here to support you every step of the way, providing guidance, resources, and a community of others who understand what you’re going through. You don’t have to do it alone—reach out for help, lean on those around you, and trust that, with time, your child will begin to heal.
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