The festive season is a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. But for families with adopted children, it can also bring a unique set of challenges that are often overlooked in the glitter of Christmas lights and the rustle of wrapping paper. Understanding why this period can be difficult for adopted children and their families is the first step to making the season more comfortable and enjoyable.
Why can the festive season be tough for adopted children?
Triggers and emotional responses
The sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas can act as powerful sensory triggers, resurfacing memories from a time before adoption. For instance, a child who spent Christmas in a chaotic foster home may associate the season with feelings of fear or loneliness, leading to heightened anxiety. Similarly, the smell of a Christmas tree or the taste of traditional holiday foods might evoke memories of past celebrations with their birth family, stirring feelings of loss or longing.
In some cases, these memories might not even be conscious but instead manifest as unease, irritability, or withdrawal. For example, a child adopted at an older age might feel overwhelmed during Christmas dinner because it reminds them of a family meal they shared before being separated from their birth family. Even joyful activities, like singing carols or opening presents, can have an underlying sadness if they highlight what the child has lost.
Feeling excluded or out of place
Adopted children often join families with well-established traditions that predate their arrival. These traditions can feel unfamiliar or even exclusionary, especially if the child doesn’t yet feel a full sense of belonging. For example, one family shared how their tradition of baking a specific type of Christmas cookie felt alien to their adopted son, who grew up in a different cultural setting. Even seemingly small activities, such as decorating the tree with ornaments that have sentimental value, can unintentionally alienate a child. For example - A young girl adopted at age ten expressed sadness when her adoptive siblings shared stories about the origins of their ornaments. She felt like an outsider because she didn’t share those memories or have ornaments of her own.
Questions about their birth family
The festive season often prompts reflection, and for adopted children, this can lead to questions about their birth family. They may wonder how their birth parents or siblings are celebrating, whether they’re thinking of them, or why their own life unfolded the way it did. These thoughts can evoke complex emotions, from sadness and guilt to anger and confusion. For example, a young boy adopted as a toddler surprised his adoptive parents during Christmas dinner by asking, “Do you think my birth mum is having turkey today?” This innocent question reflected his natural curiosity but also highlighted the emotional weight he carried during the holidays.
The desire to connect with their past can be especially strong if the child remembers Christmas with their birth family. They may hold onto cherished memories that contrast sharply with their current reality, even if their past circumstances were challenging. This internal conflict can make it difficult for them to fully embrace the present moment.
Navigating cultural and religious differences
For children adopted from different cultural or religious backgrounds, the festive season can bring an additional layer of complexity. A child adopted from a non-Christian background, for instance, might feel disconnected from Christmas traditions or struggle to understand their significance. One family described how their adopted daughter, who was raised in a different faith, initially felt uncomfortable participating in Christmas celebrations. She viewed the holiday as foreign and couldn’t relate to the traditions her adoptive family cherished. Over time, the family worked together to create a more inclusive holiday experience by incorporating elements of her cultural heritage alongside their Christmas traditions.
The pressure to "be happy"
The expectation that Christmas should be a joyful time can add another layer of difficulty for adopted children. They may feel pressured to appear excited or grateful, even when they’re struggling internally. This can be particularly challenging for children who are still processing their adoption or grappling with unresolved emotions about their past.
For example, a teenager who recently joined her adoptive family described feeling guilty for not enjoying Christmas as much as her siblings. She worried that her lack of enthusiasm would disappoint her adoptive parents, leading her to suppress her true feelings and put on a brave face.
Why it’s tough for families too
Adoptive families often feel the weight of wanting to create the perfect Christmas, both for their child and the wider family. For example, one mother described the pressure she felt to recreate the big, festive celebrations from her own childhood, even though her adopted son found large gatherings overwhelming.
Explaining those needs to extended family can be difficult. For example - A father recalled how he had to ask relatives not to question his daughter about her birth family during Christmas lunch, but some family members didn’t fully understand the sensitivity required. Parents may also feel guilt or sadness if they sense their child isn’t enjoying the festive season as much as they hoped. One couple shared how heartbroken they were when their son retreated to his room during gift-opening, overwhelmed by the attention.
Things that can help
While there are challenges, there are ways to make the festive period smoother and more enjoyable for everyone involved.
Keep it simple: If big celebrations feel overwhelming, scale them back. For example, one family chose to stay home with just their immediate members, making hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies. The quiet day allowed their child to feel safe and relaxed.
Create new traditions together: Building new traditions as a family can help your child feel included and secure. One family began a tradition of making homemade Christmas crackers filled with personal notes instead of jokes. Their adopted daughter loved being part of the process and adding her own creative touch.
Respect their pace: If they need time to retreat and recharge, let them. A teenager adopted at the age of twelve found comfort in having a “quiet corner” with books and headphones when holiday activities became overwhelming.
Acknowledge their past: If they want to talk about their birth family or past Christmases, listen with empathy. One adoptive parent shared how they encouraged their child to make a card for their birth mother as a way to honour their feelings.
Communicate with extended family: If you’re visiting relatives, explain your child’s needs ahead of time. For instance, a family with a seven-year-old who disliked surprises asked relatives not to give unwrapped presents. This small adjustment helped the child feel more comfortable.
Celebrate the small wins: Every smile, laugh, or moment of connection is worth celebrating. One mother described how her adopted son, after years of reluctance, finally joined the family for decorating the tree. “It was just five minutes,” she said, “but it meant the world to us.”
Christmas with an adopted child isn’t about creating a picture-perfect day; it’s about creating a safe, loving environment where they can feel secure and supported, even during moments of emotional turbulence. By embracing flexibility, understanding, and empathy, you can help your child, and your family find a way to make the season special in your own unique way.
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